Rae
replied at
8:45pm
on
Oct 16 2011
I know just how you feel. I'm Auntie to my best friend of fifteen years who refers to me as her sister's 22 month old daughter. I love her and her mother so much I cry every time I drive home from their house (I'm long distance and don't get to see her nearly as much as I'd like) and my friend has confided she does the same. I know she values me and values my input in her child's life. She asked me to come and stay with her when my niece was two weeks old and my friend's mother had to fly back home out of state, and I stayed for two weeks just y'know helping her get by and get through all the trials of new motherhood (i.e. laundry and dishes and dinner while her husband was at work and up all night with the baby sometimes while my friend was sleep deprived and trying to shut her eyes for a couple of hours.
My friend had an especially tough time at the beginning with breastfeeding, and the baby having constant growth spurts that had her eating every fifteen minutes for the first month of her life. I was overjoyed to be included in this special time and to be trusted in this way. I sang and rocked and changed diapers and fell in love with that little girl more than anything, but in recent time my friend seems to have gotten more overprotective with her child and closed off from other people in response to this. I think she just doesn't trust ANYONE but her mother with her child, and her husband but I think that even took time.
When they come to stay with my husband and I, and my friend has obligations she can't take her daughter to in town, she always looks for another person to stay with her. I live in the same town as her father and sister-in-law so it's not like she's looking for a sitter, but it still hurts. I absolutely am not bothered by her using the opportunity to let her father spend more time with his granddaughter or anything like that. But for instance she has not been sleeping well (really since the baby was born, so for a couple years now) and I offered to watch her child while she slept a little longer and she was more than reluctant to do it, but when her Mother came over she was fine with trying to catch more shuteye. (Her mother actually left halfway through my friend's nap to run errands and my friend seemed bothered by that when she woke up, though of course her child was fine, had shed no tears and been well cared for). My friend's mother clearly felt comfortable and confident leaving her grandchild in my care, so I really think it's a matter of my friend's irrational fears getting the better of her.
I'm going off on tangents I realize, but I'm bothered by this too. I'm trying to be accepting about it and realize that she's just worried about her little girl and about her having a hard time (she doesn't let her cry for even a moment-even giving in on candy in the store to avoid fits, heh tsk tsk) but I really want to be given the opportunity to prove myself. I feel like I could really help my friend more by offering a babysitter she could be confident in so that she might actually get to relax a little and go out from time to time, and I long to cultivate a strong relationship with my niece with tea parties and chick flicks and dollhouses in the future, which I worry about not being able to do since I don't get to see them nearly as often as I'd like. I want to make each visit really special and I want to keep this special bond that I have with her while she grows up. (I already have my childhood dollhouse set aside for her, and tea set and decorated our guest room with dolls and play jewelry for when she and her mother come to visit. My husband and I don't think children are in the cards for us, so I love to get to spoil her and play with her and I long to be able to take her to the zoo or the museum or the park sometime in the near future with her mother feeling comfortable)
I had a similar experience earlier today to yours, while my friend took a nap and I played with my niece, we colored and played in the back yard and danced to some elmo songs and then we settled down for her to have her quiet time (as she's outgrown her morning nap but still needs some down time) and she was happy in my lap playing with my hair while we watched a cartoon, until my friend came out of the guest room and my niece got worked up at the sight of her. So, my friend thought she hadn't been behaving or getting what she needed, when she had (and promptly took her daughter in the other room to have down time, I guess thinking that she'd been too distracted before). I think this is what is happening in general. She doesn't see what's happening when she's not around (which is probably the case with your family as well), so she fears the worst and her imagination gets away with her. I think she's also probably used to having to 'do it all herself' and not comfortable with leaving it up to others in general as her husband isn't usually the most responsible. I did gently bring up to my friend later all of our activities and that we were having down time until she came in, and she put two and two together herself and said 'Oh no, I probably ruined it by coming in', so I am hopeful for the future.
I think given time she will probably relax a little more about it, at least I hope, and I hope that's the same with your family. I think like you said it's a combination of her being over-protective and of you being a little over sensitive.
I know that I have a tendency to feel oversensitive when I am often the only one not pregnant or with children. I feel like my words do not carry the same weight since i have not given experienced pregnancy firsthand, but I've done so much reading and research about birthing and child development and everything that it really hurts and feels like a slight. I've always found it an interesting subject and were I to have children I feel like I have more than prepared. (Even picked out where I would deliver and how and etc, heh). I know that all the hypothetical situations in the world and time spent with baby cousins and nieces and working in daycare do not reproduce the motherhood experience, but I feel slighted that my impressions and opinions have no weight in this respect just because I haven't given birth. Giving birth does not a perfect mother make, either. See, there I am being over-sensitive. Heh. Sorry I went on and on like a crazy person, but I was startled to see your post right there when I was randomly searching the web to put a name to my current feelings of some distress.
I hope it gets better for you too. I think communication is the key, I think if everyone communicated a little more and a little better we could all allay many fears and do away with many hurt feelings. Good luck to you.