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Aunt-Hood

Having to act as the parent?

By kflav , Dec 11 2014

This is my first post here so I am just hoping I find some fellow aunts to connect with :).

A little background...my SIL (childrens' mother) was having a hard time paying her bills and rent. She asked if we would want to move in with her and the kids (no father in the picture, btw). I was having some mental health issues and my husband and I thought it would be a good idea so I could quit my job and we could relax a little financially as well as not have myself home alone all the time since I was working a wah customer service job. My SIL doesn't work either, so it was expected she would still be home with the kids and I may help out around the house as she was a few months pregnant but that would be about it.

Fast forward, we have been here for about six months now. Essentially since the day we moved in she goes out for hours each day and leaves the children home with me. I love them dearly as if they were my own, and they seem to have become attached to me as if I were their mother as well. The times she is not out she is sleeping. My husband and I constantly wake up hearing the newborn screaming and crying needing fed (he is three weeks old) but we can't seem to wake her up half the time. I have become E-Bear's main caregiver as well now. Every single day I am the one to keep the kids clothed, fed, and changed. My oldest nephew A-Bear is deaf and his mom doesn't know sign language. My husband is learning from me, and I am the only one essentially that can communicate with him. So not surprising, he acts out a lot out of frustration.

I feel exhausted, but I know if I refused to take care of the kids they wouldn't get taken care of. Period. Even before I moved in I had my suspicions but firmly believed I shouldn't judge unless I'm in that situation. She never, EVER plays with the children. Even simple games or fun activities. She will keep them fed if I'm not there but barely. She mostly just sleeps. I am very worried about the kids and I need a break but I just can't seem to escape. I love the kids too much to leave. They have made mountains of progress since my husband and I moved in and we are terrified to leave.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I have never had any other aunt to talk to. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

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HCAnders replied at 8:44am on Jan 1 2015

I don't live with my nephews and niece but I do feel like the mom takes a break and zones out when I am there visiting. I just take it as an opportunity to spend a lot of quality time with them, but you LIVE there, so you are kinda stuck.
I don't know how you feel about sticking in there for the kids but it sound like they need you now. I know it is hard to be a new mother and she is probably exhausted, but it could also be postpartum depression.
Most postpartum depression eventually evens out (so I am told) but maybe suggesting in the nicest way possible that she might need some help? Or talk to her and really listen to see if she is displaying the signs. Maybe she just needs a push to talk to her doctor. I hope this helps.

kflav replied at 11:50am on Jan 9 2015

Thank you so much for the response! For a little update...she is now 2 weeks pregnant with baby 4. Things haven't improved and we have had many talks about it. She is an incredibly sensitive person and is paranoid all the time about what people think about her so I have tried being very gentle. With her long standing mental health issues she has a regular psychiatrist, and she had her medication upped which resulted in her sleeping even more. Now she is pregnant and always tired yet again and feeling sick. She still sleeps all day. I know she feels bad about it but she doesn't tell her psychiatrist about it.

Even worse I feel like this is causing problems in my wonderful marriage. My husband is so mad all the time as am I, and he just wants out of here for his own sanity. If we leave now, I am genuinely going to be worried about the children. She sleeps so heavy that there could literally be a horrible injury or a fire and she wouldn't hear it. She doesn't tell her doctors about her sleeping issues so they never get addressed. Before we moved in she did tell us that once her son almost started a fire and there was smoke and the fire detector was going off and she still didn't wake up and she could tell it had been going on for awhile. I am terrified to leave them. I just don't know what to do, but I think I'm just going to have to stay strong for the kids and continue on. I guess I just needed a place to vent a little.

And yes, I know it must be exhausting having a baby. But basically she has always been this way, from what my mother in law tells me. I just feel really alone. I don't want to complain and stress my husband out even more as he does such an amazing job taking care and raising these kids when he doesn't have to, and really doesn't want to. He adores them and loves being with him, but he doesn't like that it has become his responsibility against his will. Sorry for the long posts!

RavenAuntie replied at 11:13am on May 11 2017

I truly feel for you.

I too am a newbie aunt that has been taken advantage of and being trapped in similar situation...

Short story. My sister urged me to move in with her to help us both out.
She ended up sleeping day and night for two whole months forcing me to care for her 12 month old child. Those two months i was basically her child's mother. Her kid even called me mommy. Granted my sister just had a surgery a month or two ago and was taking pills. She slept ALL day and ALL night those two months.
The neighbors who couldnt stand her mowed her lawn cuz it wouldnt get done otherwise; talked me into forcing my sister to take back responsibility for her kid.

So i did. We ended up moving after 6 months. I got my own place. She ended up moving to the east coast where her fake hubby and his family lived.
I state fake because they married for the extra income the two of them got in the military. She got a child out of it because as she stated to me, she wanted something tbat was conditioned to love her...sad but true...

Fast forward the years. Her kid is now 6 and will be repeating kindergarten. She wasnt able to get her kid in preschool. And she relied on her hubby and his family to watch her kid up until their divorce was finalized. In which he moved his girlfriend and their newborn child out of his now ex-wife' home.
Yes, my sister lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom place with her hubby and his girlfriend and their baby.

She had the audacity to call me up one day and beg me to sell my stuff and use that money to fly to her so i could help her keep her place and help with her kid! My response to her was that it was her problem not mine. Well a month later she called me again and offered to help me move to her.
So i stupidly my moved in with her.

She is more a friend to her child than a parent and is quiet selfish. She sleeps day and night, was having her kid going to sleep anywhere from 9 pm to 3 am and sleeping in till 11 or around 2 pm having her kid eat chips for lunch with no breakfast.
I go to battle with her over some of these things. And its not till she's cleared it with her butt buddy friend that she relents and admits i was right about this or that.

Im supposed to be the fun loving aunt spoling her kid but im forced into the role of the parent while having to fight my sister in everything since she doesnt want nor takes responsibility in her kids education and well being. Shed rather be friend to her kid, picking and choosing between being friend and parent. Using the tv to babysit her kid so she can sleep. But getting jealous when her kid is spending time with me.

I want to move out but my sister is on her 3rd day of holding a job since she finished her schooling. Four months ago.
So if i move out she may not have a designated babysitter because we moved into a bigger place far from her ex hubby's family. I love her kid but need my own place. Cant stand my sister.

Lena replied at 10:15am on Jul 31 2017

Parentification is the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent. In extreme cases, the child is used to fill the void of the alienating parent's emotional life.
Two distinct modes of parentification have been identified technically: instrumental parentification and emotional parentification. Instrumental parentification involves the child completing physical tasks for the family, such as looking after a sick relative, paying bills, or providing assistance to younger siblings that would normally be provided by a parent. Emotional parentification occurs when a child or adolescent must take on the role of a confidant or mediator for (or between) parents or family members.

catchpanel replied at 9:30pm on Nov 19 2023

That's amazing

catchpanel replied at 9:30pm on Nov 19 2023

Even worse, I think my amazing marriage is having issues as a result of this. Like me, my spouse is constantly irrationally angry and wants to leave for his own mental health. I really will be concerned for the kids if we leave now. https://geometrydashworld.net

timothyferriss replied at 8:17pm on Nov 20 2023

Have a direct and honest conversation with your sister-in-law. Express your concerns about the children's well-being and the lack of care they're receiving. Be gentle and empathetic, but also clear about your expectations https://retrobowl-game.co