New Here - She's Refusing the Potty
Hi there, my goddaughter is 3.5 years. She's been waking up dry for more than a year now, FYI, and her parents potty trained her a few weeks ago. Now she's...I guess it's called "regression" but it just seems like she's being obstinate about it. Because of family, I needed to move out of state around Thanksgiving last year. I've seen her since, but I'm not exactly down the street anymore so I can't be a physical presence in her life like I want to be.
I'll admit - I'm not a momma. I'm trying to figure out how best to be with her, and so far it seems to go well. We have fun and she behaves for me - according to her mother she behaves for ONLY me. Honestly, I think it's because I'm the only one that gives her firm boundaries. I'm not making any judgements on her parents, her mother and I have known each other since we were toddlers. I love them. She tells me a lot about her struggles with motherhood and gets overwhelmed frequently.
This is the latest thing. My goddaughter successfully learned to use the potty within a week. She wouldn't use the big potty because, for the first time in her life, she's suddenly afraid of the sound of the flush. Hey, that's something to work through later, because they have a small potty for her and she was using that just fine. Now a few weeks go by and she's refusing to use the little potty as well. Her mom tells me that it's not a fear thing, that she's just being stubborn and refusing. She's having accidents in her panties on purpose and then doesn't care if she just sits there in the mess. She won't call it "pee" or "poop", it's "water" or "mud". Not sure where she got that association, but whatever.
Again, not a momma. I'm of the school that, for necessary things, you show the child how to act, you tell them the correct way to act, and that you don't allow them to just refuse. Trial and error? Of course. Patience for the learning curve? Totally. But eventually, the kid MUST do what they need to do whether they want/choose to or not. It's worked well for her and me in the past. She did great learning to use the potty, so I know she can. It's also necessary, you can't just go to the private pre-school she goes to in diapers. They let it go last year but that was an exception. I'm also thinking about the health concerns. You can't just sit in your own "mess" in your panties, there's risks of UTI's and other infections. There's risks to the health of other people if they don't know that the surface they're touching has had pee/poop on it.
I've been reading up on articles on the internet, and for once, the ones I found were ALL saying the same thing. Be kind, give the kid choices, never be negative about accidents...honestly, what's the incentive for the kid when you act like that? She's already making a choice by refusing to use the potty. The parents are very kind to her about everything, so there's no consequences for her here, and she isn't motivated to do things herself anyway. I don't even want to refer to them as accidents because she's letting them happen on purpose. It's different than waking up wet on accident, or other times when the kid honestly didn't mean for it to happen.
She's a free-willed kid, and I love that about her. We have great times together. Her attitude can cross the line a bit, but she listens to me when I tell her to cut it out. She's also perfectly willing to watch TV and color all day and let everything be done for her and handed to her. Because of this lack of motivation, I think some consequences might work here. Take one thing away at a time until she agrees to try the potty again. I can't see this being solved until we find out why she's just refusing at the very least, and she won't talk about it other than shouting "NO!"
I don't want her parents to give up on this. Like I said, her mom is frequently overwhelmed...to be honest, she also has a problem with motivation to do things and will frequently go out of her way to avoid a tantrum. Again, no judgement on the parenting, I just want to see my goddaughter achieve things and be happy and healthy. It's difficult being the godmother, backing off when you want to jump in, and I try so hard to respect that line. I feel like the best thing I can do for my goddaughter, especially with me living further away now, is to keep involved, be supportive to her parents, and to try and give my friend (her mother) different options when she wants options.
Boy that was a lot more than I though I'd write...I'd appreciate any advice :)