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Love & Relationships

Boyfriend/Uncle?

By daisy , Jul 24 2008

Hey aunties, I need some advice!

I've been in a committed and loving relationship with a wonderful man for two years now. We both don't really believe in marriage and will probably be each other's boyfriend/girlfriend for a loooooong time.

I always talk to my nieces and nephews about my boyfriend as their uncle, he feels like he's their uncle.

Here comes the question, one of my relatives feels that my boyfriend is not their uncle and should not call himself that, unless we get married. This is probably not going to happen and I feel it's very unfair that someone would not consider him uncle because we don't have a signed piece of paper that makes us husband and wife.

This relative is quite the center of attention in our family and I'm afraid more people will take over her opinion on this.

How would you handle this situation?

Thanks for any insight or advice!

1 to 10 of 12: << < > >>

RikiHalo replied at 6:39pm on Jul 24 2008

I'd suggest addressing the issue directly with the parents in your family. Let them know that you and your man are completely committed to each other, and you want very much for him to feel that he is a part of your family. Let them know you'd like for him to be called 'uncle' as you are called 'aunt', and you'd like their support in encouraging your nieces and nephews to do so.

Probably best to have this conversation without him present, so they can mention any concerns to you (if they have any) and you can address them directly and non-defensively.

If they would rather not call your man uncle, ask if they can agree on an affectionate nickname for the nieces/nephews to call him. My mother's boyfriend is called Poppy by my niece, and I called my step-grandfather Bompa. At the end of the day, just as the titles husband and wife aren't important to you two, the title of uncle shouldn't be either. The love is still there, even if the title isn't.

daisy replied at 8:52am on Jul 28 2008

Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely take it up with my sister and her husband next week when I see them.

I know the title isn't important, but it felt really bad to my boyfriend to get the criticism, he felt really insulted like he is not part of the family, we felt the relative in question meant it like that too.

The love sure is there, he's so great with kids and that really is all that matters.

Thanks again for your reply!

RikiHalo replied at 5:43pm on Jul 28 2008

Anytime! I hope it was helpful - let me know how the conversation goes!

aunt lena replied at 5:57pm on Aug 5 2008

Hey daisy!

Just wondering if you had your talk, and how it went ...

auntreenee replied at 8:07pm on Apr 5 2009

RikiHalo's advice is very good.

I think you should be prepared to face the fact that your family may simply not recognize a non-husband as a relative. To tell the truth, my nephews and nieces frequently leave off the aunt and uncle titles when addressing my husband and me. What's important is the relationship, not the words.

Aunt_Nancy replied at 3:19pm on Apr 9 2009

I'm in the same situation, and my boyfriend is simply Mr. John. We live together, very committed and plan to be together for a long time, and never get married. My sister's don't even let us stay in the same room when we visit, and they aren't allowed to come over to my house (not a problem, since they are a flight away and I usual fly). My sister's both have girls and don't want them to think a boyfriend can sleep with them in the same room. Imagine a 15 year old saying, we'll Aunt Nancy sleeps with her boyfriend I get it, and who knows I might have even done the same. So I just deal with it, and hope I'm setting a good example for my nieces. If nothing else, I want them to know that when a man/boy really loves you, he doesn't have to sleep with you. Perhaps when they are 20-somethng things will change....

On another note, I think we need a new word for a boyfriend that you live with... boyfriend sounds so young, and not as committed. Partner can make people wonder, especially in the SF bay area where I live. Significant other get so long... Sometimes I just call him my sweetie... but still on the hunt for a new term.... Any suggestions?

mlcottingham replied at 11:55pm on Apr 12 2009

I'm not sure I see the significance of being married or not... the kids of several of my girlfriends call me Aunt ML, and I'm in no way related to their kids by blood or marriage. It is the concept Melanie (our fearless leader) introduced as auntie by choice.

If you're boyfriend is involved in the kids lives, I don't see it as any different.

elainevdw replied at 2:09pm on Apr 14 2009

I agree that Uncle is as much a term of endearment as a family term. As far as I'm concerned, the only relatives whose opinions matter are the parents of the baby. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and when my niece is born in a week, we've all decided he's an uncle. He's fond of my SIL and he likes kids, so despite my father's opinion of our living arrangements, my SIL and brother don't have any objection. All that they and we want is for our families to be close.

AuntiEbbie replied at 8:04am on Apr 17 2009

I know I'm coming into the conversation late but I'd like to throw in my two cents if I may?

First of all I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend was hurt my your relative's comment. It was kind of rude and I'd have been offended, too. However, allow me to play the devil's advocate for a few moments. Is it possible that your relative was thinking in terms of your situation not being as permanent as marriage and didn't want that to confuse/effect the children? Maybe she was thinking that even though you guys say you're in it for the long-haul its a lot easier to walk away from a long-term relationship than it is a marriage.

For example: I have a friend who has daughters. Whenever she started dating a new guy, somehow the girls ended up calling him Daddy and when she broke up with them they'd be crushed.

So I said that to say maybe that's what she was thinking when she said it? I may be reaching but I just wanted to throw that out there.

As for my take on the situation, I think if the parents are okay with it, then there are no worries. Like someone said in a previous comment, its also a term of endearment. I've grown up calling several men Uncle that weren't my blood uncles.

Best wishes to you my dear!