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Auntie Melanie, you hit on a GREAT topic!

I'm 40 now, and I chose very early on (teens) not to have any children of my own. HOWEVER, I absolutely adore kids, and find it interesting that at some point in every relationship (friend, family, neighbors, co-workers, etc) I have to eventually explain the reasons behind this choice. Dare I say defend it?

Yes, I dare.

I wrote a paper about women in the U.S. workforce. As of 1972 only 23% of women were in the workforce. ( All data for this information came from census reports—links provided here http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/2000/cb00-211.html) as of 2000 it was 72% (same census reporting as source). The age women started having children from 1972 to now has also increased dramatically. I propose that the need society has for us to defend our childlessness stems from Western Civilization's evolution of what a woman's primary role is to society.

It's a social thing- that is my short answer, I suppose. Some interesting conversations I've had only recently--

* Co-worker- You're just one of those strong no-bullsh%# professional women- don't need a guy, you're moving up, you're obviously not the mothering type, so that won't slow you down.- there was so much packed into this comment I wasn't sure what to address first! To be fair this came on the heels of a Congratulations on the career change comment. Since I feel quite certain I'd be a great mom, had I chosen it (we can get to choice later), I could let the dig roll off. However, combined with slow you down? Mothering can slow you down professionally, sure. The fact that this comment came from a woman (whom I like) showed it wrapped in the occasionally jealousy of the Professional Working Mom the PANK. Just a grass-looks-greener-on-the-otherside moment, and best responded to with deeper understanding and carefully worded support and correction-- I'd love have a man!

*Date- Really, you don't want kids at all? You seem so loving and sweet.-- now granted he was a about 7 yrs younger than me and just told me he wanted to wait and have kids when he was 40. Since, I am 40 and women have a finite window in which to choose (haven't forgotten the choice subject) I expressed nicely that I didn't see kids of my own as part of my future. Even though I've heard this one so often in some form or another, it still floors me! Somehow you have to nicely defend the case that not having children of your own doesn't mean you are an emotionally vacant harpie/barracuda.

Finally, a big reason this need to defend our childlessness comes up is that a massive number of women now have an active choice of when and if they will have children. It's still a relatively new concept to CHOOSE not to have children until your 30's, after career or personal goals....or not at all. Society will come around, it's just a new option women (couples) have embraced faster than our social contract can be ratified.

Until then, I'll continue with my patent answer, No, don't have any children of my own, but don't worry I really do love kids!...or with your help, I'm a P.A.N.K.--trust me, it's GREAT!

Hope this helps ya!

Auntie Kim

No problem! Thanks for your great thoughts! It IS a hot topic!!

I chose not to have children of my own. My boyfriend has made the same choice, much like we chose to not get married before we ever met each other. People make lots of assumptions about choices that are outside of the norm. Just like not wanting to give birth makes people assume you hate kids sometimes, too many people assume not wanting to get married means you will live a life in relationship limbo. This would be based on the faulty assumption that a ring begets automatic stability (have we heard of a little thing called divorce?)

Assuming a purposeful lack of kids means a dislike of kids would also mean you have to take on the equally faulty assumption that every parent LIKES or wanted kids... which is not true. My ex boyfriend has two kids with two different women and he didn't want either child. His ex wife also didn't want their son. I know lots of people who pawn their kids off on friends or relatives to live like they don't have any responsibilities.

I say you point out examples of people who are in the opposite situation that aren't happy and ask why they would jump to conclusions about you. Perhaps they'll start to think before opening their traps.

For the record, I love kids.

Hi Melanie,

I married young, and my now ex-husband didn't want to have kids at the time. After we divorced, I wanted to wait until I was married again to have children. I felt it was selfish for me to be a single parent by choice. I never remarried, so now I'm careening towards 50 and am not 100% sure I made the right choice. I wish I had decided in my 30s whether or not I really wanted children and had made finding a husband to have 'em with a priority. If you really want children, don't wait until it's too late.

Anecdote : about 10 years ago, when I was in my late 20s and working in telecommunications, I volunteered to help out at the company's Kid Xmas party. The jaw of one of my colleagues literally dropped when he saw me there. He looked confused as he asked me if I had children attending the event and, when I replied that I was volunteering, replied 'God. I didn't even know you _liked_ children'.

Now I'm not sure what that says about his perception of me but all I could (and can) think is: idiot.

Luckily, all I was was insulted at the insinuation and not hurt by the remark. I can only imagine how I would have felt to hear that remark if I'd been unable to have children of my own.