jcplaty
replied at
4:44pm
on
Apr 4 2015
Your sister is a younger mom trying to feel her way with her son as all mothers, regardless of age, do. For the life of you, you can't understand why she won't let you see him, however, you very easily listed all her faults.
Unless you truly suspect child abuse, stop forecasting about what's going on over at their house. It sounds as if you're making judgments (yes, you) even when you don't know what's going on in their lives. This may be the reason why she's not letting you see him.
If you suspect child abuse (AND you suspect it without hysterically convincing yourself that it's really happening), call the authorities (police) immediately. File a report. DO NOT DO THIS unless there a very strong reason to believe that this is occurring. No, do not question the child. Let the authorities do that. Does he have suspicious bruising? Is he emaciated? Does he appeared drugged? Is he pulling out his hair, banging his head, shrieking and screaming constantly? Is a limb always marked somehow, Is he walking with a marked limp?
Suggestions: Search yourself thoroughly. Did you say or do something that makes her not trust you? If none of the above is occurring and if your intentions are really just enjoying your nephew, call your sister, FIRST and ASK or write a very short note. Miss you. Miss Timmy. Is there a good day and time for me to see you both? If she says absolutely not, wait several weeks and ask again.
If you get a play date: If she cancels, ask her to give you 3 days convenient for her. Keep asking even if she keeps cancelling (and no, don't ask every single day, leave at least a month between.) Regardless of your relationship, she must be able to trust you. Come up with some suggestions: (Can I come over and cook you both dinner? New recipe. or Is it okay if we make cookies together - all 3 of us? Or would she prefer you do something outside of her home?)
Once you do get a time, play with him in front of his mom. Don't hug him up like he's like your only life saver in the middle of the ocean, but gently hug him. Kiss him on the forehead.
Don't suggest that you take him somewhere else by yourself until several playtimes at their house or in their front yard have occurred. If given permission to take him somewhere, invite her along, too, so she can see you interact with him in a different setting. If she says no, accept it. But gently ask once every few months - out of your nephew's earshot. Would you and Tim like to go to the movies with me? The new Disney's coming out and I thought you both might like to see it. If it's okay with you, I'd like to pay for his ticket and snacks.
If you buy him a gift, present it to his mom first - out of the sight and presence of your nephew. Ask if it's alright if you give it to him. If not, no fussing on your part. Put the gift away and out of sight in a bag. Stay and play with him and then take the gift back home with you with no more mention of it.
Give him gifts ONLY on true special occasions (birthdays, holidays, you did an EXCEPTIONAL job days) so she doesn't think you're trying to buy off her kid. (If you have other nieces and nephews, spend the same amount of money on this nephew WITHOUT showing up his mom. Regardless, set a spending limit (no electric motor cars, no rides in a real helicopter, etc.)). If it's out of her price range, then it's out of your price range, too. Always ask her suggestions for a gift. If it's out of your price range, tell her so.
If your sister causes a scene - or tries to cause one in front of your nephew, tell her I'm gonna go, but thanks so much for letting me come over. I'm glad we got to spend some time together. Kiss him on the forehead and say, Gotta go now. I love you. IMMEDIATELY exit. No cute retorts. Just go. Still continue to make play dates with him through her.
Finally, don't talk about your sister to other family members behind her back. You're trying to establish a trusting relationship. Gossiping to your family or friends is the quickest way for her never to grant you permission to see your nephew. UNLESS he is in real danger, what happens at the house, stays at the house.