Exclusion
My brother and his wife had their first child, a girl, Friday. They've waited a long time for her, and have gone through hell to get her. I've never had a close relationship with either of my brothers, and I don't have a close relationship with my brother's wife. We don't hate each other, but we don't talk to each other on the phone. We don't get together unless it's with my parents. I have always been the black sheep and often excluded from family news or events.
I have two of my own children, and being the eldest of us three, my brothers have disappointed me as to their relationship with my kids. It has gotten better in recent years, now that my kids are older, and my brothers have become adults...Some times they have impressed me. But my brother (now a new father) would miss my kids' birthdays because he always scheduled his vacations for the week of their birthdays, knowing they have birthdays...
So I didn't expect much in the way of being allowed to be much of a presence in the life of his kid.
He has always been much more involved with his wife's family, and even my mother has felt like they won't be able to be involved much with the baby.
And yet, I still felt excited about the prospect of a new baby. I owe them LOTS of babysitting hours...
The baby was induced last week Tuesday, and for a while my brother was sending updates, if I asked how it was going. Baby took the rest of the week to arrive.
At some point, my brother stopped responding to my once a day check-in. I started calling my mom for updates. I'd been so excited that I drove my office mates bonkers all week, and they became heavily invested in finding out when the baby arrived.
The last I heard from my brother was 8am Thursday. I sent him a message Friday afternoon asking if his wife was okay. I spoke with my mother a few minutes after that for an update and was told they didn't want any company at the hospital, and it was probably going to be a while.
I'd had a present for his wife in my front seat all week, along with my camera and things for the baby whenever she made her presence.
About 8pm Thursday, I saw a Facebook post from my mother announcing the baby was born.
I heard nothing for over an hour from the time it was shared with strangers, and it was just to share the baby's size.
It hurt. As left out of the loop as I have been about so many things in the past, I honestly did not expect to find out that my niece was born via a general Facebook post.
And my family thinks I am a b**** for having feelings and think I'm trying to make it about me because I chose not to go see anyone this weekend. I feel like crap, and this really just solidified my place in this family. I don't want to go see anyone when I feel miserable.
My mother said my brother claimed he was sending me updates to a landline phone I haven't had for ten years. I'm not sure why he would think I changed my phone number in the middle of the week. Then my mother accused me of blocking his phone number on my phone, and that's why I wasn't getting his messages. And when I stepped out of my parents' house to get something out of my car over the weekend, I came back in and saw my son and my mother going through my text messages, because they didn't believe I didn't get anything about the baby. But, apparently, my younger brother hadn't' said anything to my mom about the baby by Saturday afternoon, to which my father asked, "Have you tried calling him?" What a concept? I would have thought something like this would warrant a quick phone call (and no, I didn't expect anything from my brother, because he and his wife would have just had a baby...but I did expect, stupidly, a phone call from my mother). All she had to say to me was, "It wasn't intentional."
I'm happy for them. This is what they have dreamed of for years. I'm happy that they are both well (at least as far as I can discern, since no one has shared anything with me). But I know that I don't have any reason to feel excited myself, because nothing is going to change. They have a baby, but I know that I am not going to be allowed to be much of an aunt. So my excitement is gone. And I'm afraid this baby is going to be raised to dislike me the way other people in my family do, simply because I'm the black sheep.
I get it, I'm weird and different compared to my family. But I'm not a criminal. I have never had substance abuse issues. And the bulk of my family just don't care to include me. And I don't know how to move forward, because it's just an elephant in the room now.