Dear Separating Auntie,
Separating is always
difficult even when it is for the best. First order of business is to
speak to the parents of the children; they may want to tell their
children in their own way. Secondly, the three year old's understanding
is very limited and their concerns will be very ego-centric and
practical…what does this mean to me about: presents, visits and can I
have a cookie now. In contrast the sixteen year old may be thinking
about relationships and how they work or what it takes to make one work.
If
possible, it is best for you and your husband to speak to the children
together. You should try to agree not to blame each other and to begin
with a simple statement, such as, we have been having grown up problems,
we have tried to work them out and now we decided to live separately.
We will each see you separately (if you have a definite date give this
information). Then pause, this may be the most difficult part. There may
be questions of why, how and when. For the children above five you can
say it is hard for kids to understand grown up problems. There may be
some emotional moments, yours and/or theirs. You can talk about it being
sad even a little scary because it will be different than it has been.
Allow for tears even anger. Hugs and “ I understands” will go a long
way. Assure them that you love them and that will never, ever change. If
you can make a definite plan for the immediate future it will be
reassuring. Be sure to encourage them to talk to you whenever they have a
question, a worry or any feelings to share.
There is a very good
book named "The Boys and Girls Book on Divorce” - you might want to
take a look at it and suggest it to the children’s parents.
I wish you the best,
Natalie Robinson Garfield
TheSenseConnection.Wordpress.com
This Dear Savvy Auntie letter was first published in September 2008. We have updated it and republished it now - June 29, 2016
Homepage photo:
Kasia Bialasiewicz
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