Dear Savvy Auntie,
I am at my wit’s end, and after talking with my sisters, it’s a
shared family concern. My niece, B., age three, definitely has issues.
One of my dad's sisters has Down Syndrome, and within my immediate
family there is also ADHD, OCD, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, anxiety
and depression, among others. Our savvy Aunt, along with my elementary
school teacher sister and my pediatric secretary sister, have seen signs
possible autism concerns and sensory issues since B. was born.
Along
with the refusals to not cooperate with anything, B. shuts down when
things get loud, or there's too much stimulation. She can't stand
certain textures; I have the sensory issues so I can totally empathize
with her on this.
The other problem in play is that my brother
and sister-in-law are so passive as parents that there is no structure
or guidance for B. For example, B. frequently vanishes out of sight, and
even though they are aware they don't know where she is, they don't go
looking for her.
When we're together as a family, neither parent
does anything for B. She doesn't want to take a nap, so they don't put
her down for one. She hasn't had a nap in about 18 months. They don't
interact with her; it is left to the rest of us to pick up the slack.
Consequently, she walks all over them, and throws tantrums, falling on
the floor, screaming, yelling, when she doesn't get what she wants. She
doesn't play well with her cousins; she prefers to be alone all the
time. B. doesn't even know how to play dolls - dress the dolls, feed
them, etc. I don't want to compare the kids, but she's not doing the
normal three-year-old things that her cousins are doing.
During a
recent church service, B. was discovered to be missing but they didn't
go after her. I was busy with someone else and, hoping they would
parent, I didn't do anything. It was a friend's husband who brought B.
back inside, where she'd made it nearly to the road.
To her
credit, my sister-in-law asked her doctor for an evaluation, but it only
consisted of an intelligence portion and B. aced it. My sister-in-law
is thrilled that Bella is "fine" and I seriously doubt that she'll do
much more with it. B.’s mother is now on several medications related to
stress because she can't handle my niece; she calls her the "demon
child." At least the doctor told her to stop B. from watching TV; she
will watch TV all day if allowed.
I also find it necessary to say
that when B. comes to my house, she is a model child. No tantrums, no
whining, no fussing. She does what I ask her to... within reason. I
expect a child to be disobedient and B. is not the exception when she's
alone with me, but it’s nothing like when she's with her parents.
My
need for help is this: my mother, sisters, and I are ready to pounce
and say something to the effect of "stand up and parent!" and "find a
behavioral assessment." I am the closest to my sister-in-law and I don't
want to attack her. My brother is the type of guy who will do the
opposite of what you tell him to do, so I need a way to broach the
subject without the entire family coming to blows. B. needs some type of
help and I can't handle it. I don't feel like I should handle it.
What can I do? How can I help without meddling?
Wit's End Auntie