By Jenni Haswell

I have always wanted kids. Ask my mother, she'll tell you. When I was 5, I informed her who I was going to marry (and no, that will stay a family secret… Keep the secret Mom!) and that we were going to have 12 kids. We would live across the street from my parents, and when we went to work, the kids would go to their house and Grandma would take care of them because that's what grandmas do!

12 kids… People think I'm crazy but that still sounds absolutely wonderful to me.

I also always wanted a big house. Not to appear rich, prosperous, or well-to-do. It had nothing to do with appearances. It had everything to do with filling every single room with kids. My own, their friends, kids down the street, kids who needed a place to go after school. I wanted to hold Bible studies there. I wanted family dinners where one table wasn't enough. I wanted to have the house that all the kids on the block knew a homemade snack would be waiting for them after school. I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet running upstairs. I wanted to hear laughter, infectious laughter, fill every single room. And when I was old, the number would double or triple because of grandkids.

I fully realize 12 kids will not be happening. I fully accept the fact that even five is out of the question at this point in my life (unless God has a bigger sense of humor than I thought and gives me twins...or more).

Heck, let's be honest here… I don't even know if I will ever have my own kids. I hope so! But seriously, I have absolutely no clue what God has in store for my future.

I've struggled with this for a long time. Along with "Will I ever be married?" I'm staring 30 in the face and there's no glimpse of any of those things happening. But a pity-party is not the point of this note. God has done something incredible in my heart! That's the story I want to share.

Two weeks ago I spent a most glorious weekend with my doppelganger and her family to celebrate her daughter's first birthday. This is the same little girl I spent last Labor Day weekend with after she was 2 weeks old. A year later? Times flies when you're looking at kids. As I held her Saturday morning while she was napping, I saw something I've never seen before. No one else was around. It was me, her, and God. Now normally this would be a time that I would start thinking, "God? I'm almost 30. When will I get to experience the joys of Motherhood?" I would stare at this child and have a pity-party. But this time… This time was different. I watched this perfect little angel sleeping and it hit me. For the first time ever in my life, I am completely okay if I never have kids. (Normally a single person would think that while a kid was screaming.)



God knew I needed a lot of kids in my life to be happy. And that's exactly what I have! I'm an aunt! I'm a Professional Aunt, with No Kids of my own. I'm a PANK! And if you ask me, I am an awesome aunt! I have one niece and one nephew that are actually genetically related to me. And of course, they're my favorite! I've heard moms say, "When you have kids, it's like watching your heart walk around outside your body." I don't know what motherhood is like, but let me tell you, when I spend time with those two kids, my heart is outside my body. The day I held Dana for the first time was the best day of my life. That was the day I became an aunt. Say what you will about motherhood, but there is absolutely nothing like being an aunt. Not only are there those two, but I have the privilege of being an aunt to six other kids (and those are just the ones I know call me “Aunt”). Two more will be added in 2014 (that I know of). I have friends who are married but no kids yet, but I will be an aunt to their kids as well. I have friends who aren't married yet but I know when they are and they have kids, I will be an aunt to them as well. So you see, by mid-2014 this childless female will be an aunt to 10 kids: two unborn, five nieces, three nephews.

Because I'm not married or have kids, I have the freedom to spend extra money on them and spoil them absolutely rotten whenever I want (and their parents can't stop me!). I have the freedom to drive 6.5 hours to spend time with two of them. I have the freedom to take a Friday off work and spend time in Ohio when one is there. I have the freedom to drive to Jackson to spend time with four or Kalamazoo to spend time with one whenever I want. And those friends that don't have kids yet? If I'm still single and childless then...then I will have the freedom (and hopefully the money) to buy a plane ticket and fly to Texas or California and spend time with however many are there. I get to watch all of these beautiful children grow up. I am blessed to be a part of their lives.



But that's not all. I'm not only an aunt. I'm the person they can turn to when they feel like there's no one else. I'm the person they can trust to keep their secrets. I'm the person they can always count on. They will always know there is an aunt out there who loves them more than her own life, who will spoil them rotten, who will hug them (even if they don't want it), and if they ever need to get away, my door will always be open to them.

So Moms, go ahead and keep talking about motherhood and how much of a blessing it is… I know it is and maybe someday I will experience that. But for now? I wouldn't give up this life of a PANK for anything! To the moms of my "kids": Thank you for not only being incredible mothers to my little angels, not only showing me what being an amazing mom looks like, but for also allowing me the privilege to be an aunt to your children. All the other mothers: If your kids don't have an Auntie Jenni, then by golly you better introduce me. Because if you ask me, every kid on the planet should have an Auntie Jenni! So you see, I'm not a childless female… I'm childfull.

Jenni currently lives in Battle Creek, Michigan. She is an Auntie By Relation to 1 niece and 1 nephew, an Auntie By Choice to 4 nieces, 2 nephews, 2 on the way next year and many more to come! She has a degree in Music Ministry, was a missionary for 3 years, and serves at her local church. When she's not working, she is either spending time with the kids in her life (whether in person, Facebook, or texting) or enjoying some down time and watching Doctor Who.

Photo: Courtesy of Jenni Haswell
Published: September 10, 2013